Children Mourn Too

Losing a loved one is traumatic for adults who have already had some experience with death or disease. There is a frame of reference, some sense of history, and a multitude of memories to emotionally refer to when someone close to us dies. Therefore, adults learn through life experience how to mourn. Children, however, are not little adults. They have different maturity levels and their mourning process is unique. Unless adults help kids grieve in a healthy manner, they could suffer psychological damage, adding to their already over-burdened levels of stress. And, as we know, stress is a killer - no need to let it get its hooks in early.

My mother passed away on Easter Sunday of this year. Her death was not unexpected, since she fought a three-year, courageous battle against the cancer that eventually consumed her. We knew this day would come. It was still, however, a tremendous emotional shock - not only for her eight grown children and our spouses, but for her grandchildren as well. The pillar of strength of a close and loving family was gone. It became our turn as parents, sisters, brothers, aunts and uncles to be strong for our children - a formidable task indeed. When a loved one dies, we must remember that the children affected need us. Here are some things to consider.

How do you break the news to the kids?

Someone emotionally close to the child should break the news. Tell the truth: that the person's body has stopped working, but they feel no pain; death is irreversible so it's necessary to say goodbye; and, reassure them that they will get through this with the help of loved ones.

It is important to talk with children and allow them the opportunity to express their feelings with you.

Should children attend the wake or funeral?

Children need rituals and they want to be included in family events - even funerals. However, whether or not they attend and how they participate should be a judgment call based on the child's age, maturity, and desires. Explain to them what will take place and ask them how they feel about it. Offer ways in which they can participate and allow them the opportunity to accept or decline. Accommodate them either way.

How do we help them handle the mourning process?

Children over the age of six are generally able to understand the permanence of death. Contrary to Sigmund Freud's belief that children do not have the capacity to mourn, modern experts who have studied the grief process in children believe that kids not only grieve, but they grieve differently depending on age and other factors. And, their grief is manifested in different ways. Certainly, they will feed off of the behavior of the adults around them, so we need to learn to manage our own grief positively first. Only then can we be helpful.

Illogical by nature, kids may blame themselves.

Don't let them. Death is a fact of life that needs to be explained to children in a non-threatening, age-appropriate way. They need to understand that they are not responsible for a loved one's illness or death, and that they should embrace good memories of the deceased while gaining emotional support from the world around them.

Children may experience a sudden, overwhelming fear of losing others.

At first, my son couldn't even look at pictures of my mother after she died without bursting into tears. He was very close to her and he thought that she would always be around. Her death caused him to worry about whether my husband and I would also die, leaving him all alone. We reassured him that we are okay, we love him, and although everyone will die one day, we hope we'll all be healthy and alive for a really long time.

We continue to heal with pictures and do research for our family tree, recalling positive experiences and stories along the way. Now my son is starting to tell happy stories about his Grandmother all on his own. His memories are strong and positive.

Special issues.

While children mourn, they are at risk for developing sleeping or eating disorders, typical of children ages 2 - 11. Anxiety attacks, or even behavioral problems can be more common for children age 12 and up, and teenagers are susceptible to depression and anger. So, be sure to let other important people in your children's lives (friends, teachers, neighbors) know what has happened so they can be sensitive to kids' grief.

Life goes on.

Compassion, sensitivity, understanding and respect are all key to assisting children through the mourning process. Helping kids navigate difficulty and pain is only one of the many ways that we can help them succeed in life.

N.T. Robinson is full-time wife and mother and a freelance writer in Connecticut. She can be reached at n_t_robinson@hotmail.com

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